These are the bitter sweet mornings where I wake up and wonder what it would be like to have a pair of arms around me. To have the warmth of skin and brush of cold feet in the morning, that feeling of unconditional love.
I thought I found a home in someone arm. But as I lay there I realized it wasn’t a simple assumption, but rather a conclusion I had reached after much argument with myself, ignore all the signs that this house was not a home.
And I found a home. A place I felt safe, where I could bury my head. But in this home I am trivial, and my love means nothing. Still, I give it in spades, because I don’t know what else to do.
I want to know one day what unconditional love feels like. What it’s like to fall asleep with someone and not have to wake up with them expecting you to have sex with them. I want to feel the security of a love willing to fight for me, keep me near not because of what I have, kept like a toy on a shelf, but because I am the other persons equal.
We are all looking for a home, in one way or another. But in this time less care is given to each heart, and like old homes that had once been majestic, the paint is starting to peel and the foundation beginning to crumble.
I stand outside this home I’ve found, locked out. Yet still I love him, and his heavy heart. And I will keep loving him and his heavy heart, a piece of my own heart owned by a man who wants no part of it.
I had the intentions of helping, not loving for him to love me, but simple because he so deserves it. And I thought myself above loving again, truly loving with no defenses, and I was so wrong.
Perhaps there are a set of arms for me, with a brain to challenge me and feet to startle me at night with cold toes, lips to kiss me and eyes to swallow me whole. And perhaps, amidst all that, perhaps there is a being who will love me with a heart as unconditionally as I will love them.
I only hope my own heart isn’t dead by then.

While it hurts being stabbed in the back by someone you love, the pain doesn’t compare to being stabbed in the gut while they stare into your eyes.

And lie.

A song I started picking almost a year ago, and the words finally came to me. I guess it just took the right person and the right moment for it to happen. Simple enough, anyways. 

Verse 1

In the darkness, stumbling alone
I reached out, expecting nothing at all
And I found my light at the touch of your hand
Guiding me up to my feet

And you say your lights diminished
You say your light is faded
You say your love is worth nothing at all
Darling you’ve got your demons latched onto your back
And I’ve got monsters deep in my soul

-chorus-

Hold me close, hold me tight to the morning light
Ignore the aches and pains as we say goodbye
And as I drive away, with my heart in your hands
I whisper “For you my darling, I don’t mind, I don’t mind.”

Verse 2
I’m afraid to show you the scars that make  me
But you undress me with every soft word
And I stand in the unforgiving light
Without my guard, show you all of who I am

If  I show you, will you run, or will you stay
Will you hold me, or reject, darling will you stay
You’ve got your demons latched onto your back
And I’ve got monsters deep within my soul

-chorus-

-bridge-
Don’t be afraid, I don’t mean any harm
I want nothing dear, but to give you my love
To show you the truth, give it all to you
For whatever  ,love,  for whatever it’s worth

Verse 3
You’re silence is frightening, and I’m near to tears
My image in your eyes is always shifting,
I don’t know where I stand
Our lips brushing, a promise pending
Too much, too much, for words
Your silence is frightening, and I’m near to tears

-chorus-

Hold me close
Hold me tight
Hold me close

“There isn’t a moment that goes by where I don’t miss you.” She felt his breath tickle her neck, the soft brush of lips on her skin. Deep in her own mind, the constant traffic of thought ceased under his touch, and there was only a distant hum of affection. With hands tangled like vines and eyes caught in the cross-fire of love, she smiled an easy smile, reaching up to brush away the hair from the ocean of his eyes.
 ”I would never lie to you.” She whispered, laying out underneath him on the wooden floor. He grinned in return, hovering above her. When he smiled, years dissapeared. The turbulent age of forty became a forgotten twenty. But beneath his strong and vibrant demeanor was a shadow. It flickered behind his eyes, waiting to escape. His hands picked up a timid tremor, and her eyes flickered to them. When she met his own eyes, something had changed. The blue twisted into a dark green, untold horrors twisting and churning deep within them. 
   ”Baby, tell me how you’ll love me, no matter how I look.”
   ”Darling, is it time? Are you-“
   ”No matter what happens, before or after.”
The urgency in his voice alarmed her; something was amiss. A wave of nausea washed over his face, and beneath the surface of his skin his muscles began to quake. His arms gave way, and he fell against her, the timid trembles growing to over whelming shakes, raping the very core of him. Beneath his body,she wrapped herself around his body, pulling this unfamiliar figure closer to her. ” I love you. I love you regardless of the scars you carry, or the wrinkles or gray hairs. I don’t care. I love you. “
     His bones began to snap and morph, his skin crawling under her fingers. She was too scared to be disgusted, and too familiar with this scene to be worried.  Suddenly, he froze to stone for a moment, she jumped to her feet, bolting to the kitchen door. As she tore it open, an animal raced by into the deep expanse of the night. The creature paused at a distance, and in the night his mahogany fur shimmered with the moons rays. The wolf, larger than any of its normal breed, stared back through knowing eyes. With a huff, he turned and raced for solitude within the forest.
     Alone, the woman finished her tears and sat in silence. Her shoulders slumped as she felt the weight of the demons benched on her mind. With a choking sigh, she arose to the living room, trying to make do until the morning came along.
  No matter what, she could take comfort in the fact that he always came home. Tattered, tired, and confused he’d arrive. But always with love.
  The hum of the tv arose, and the werewolf’s wife settled for a long night. Somewhere off in the distance, she heard her dearest sing to her a lullaby. The howls echoed.   


~Reuploading because it got deleted when I got hacked. And it goes with the other one. I don’t know if the moon has rays, since it’s the suns reflected light..? But whatever. Anyways, somethings changed.

 When he had dissapeared, gray had begun to paint his flanks. I had waited all night, my head in my hands, for him to come knocking as he always had. He’d appear, his body scratched and dirty. I would present a fresh pair of clothes and coffee, and life would go on until the next time. This time, however, he never arrived. 
    The body ages as a rule of nature. But the mind and soul ages because we as human allow it to. Every year was embraced, and when his human skin split and crumbled, his mahogany fur was never tarnished. The human vessel may have had some cracks, but the spirit he carried within him shone through at night. Nary a silver hair touched him. I would watched as the muscles under his fur quivered. Every leap and bound lead him further away from me, and I never loved him as much I missed him. The two emotions could never compete. My heart over flowed with love and tenderness when he arrived, but when he left my structure crumbled. And I was alone. 
    He had arrived at night when we first met, a silent figure drifting through the trees. I loved him when I saw him, and not for the elegance and majesty, nor for his mystery and allure. But because when our eyes connected, I knew this was not just a simple beast, driven by basic needs. I knew that there was more within the yellow irises, a twisting, complex individual with incredible strengths and terrible weaknesses. Within that beast was a man, and I loved him from every corner of my soul.
        Love is a weakness for those who fear pain and a strength for those who seek companionship. I was on neither end of the spectrum, but acknowledged both sides. I longed not just for any companion, but for him. And I knew pain was inevitable, just as death is certain after birth. The when and how is never set in stone, but the “will” is certain. You will die, and you will hurt. However, loving him was every bit worth it.
                                 -x-
       My mind and body agreed on a quick tempo and raced through out the day. Never were my hands steady, and never were my thoughts quiet. I held my heart above the rising waters of my own panic and fear, taking care not to drown. Something was different, something was not quite right. The summer wind was hot and troubling, carrying a message I could not interpret. When the sun reached it zenith and moved to rest, I rose to find the man that I love, no matter what form he might be in. 
 

I’m learning that to love you have to let go and have complete faith. Because while not every relationship isn’t perfect, when you love with restriction and have the slightest chip in your trust, then the relationship will meet at a cross roads. From there you either find some way to let loose those boundaries and find some way to fix that chip, or go your separate ways.
Letting go isn’t necessarily letting that person go, but loving without fear or restrictions. Which, in this generation of broken hearts, is so much harder to do then it seems. Each heart is like an animal. Some are strong, bold and brash. Others are innocent, and gullible. Then there are those who have weathered the storm, learning from their mistakes, but retaining the scars as a result. They can be fragile birds, near the edge of giving up all hope, or a strong rogue wolf, unwilling to let anything that moves near it. Each heart, be it weak or strong, has to find some way to grow whole again, and on their own. Because a heart mended soley through anothers hands isn’t truly mended at all. Because if they fail by invariable human fault, the structure crumbles.
So, what I mean to say through all this rambling, is that I’m learning to let love go, and allow it to be free and full of color. I’m instilling all my faith in one being, whom I love and respect. And I’m learning to love myself as well, above all else. A strong relationship comes from a strong soul within. So I believe.

The wind caresses my cheek like the ghost of a forlorn lover. He picks up the curls of my hair, toying with them and kissing my nose with a cold tender touch. I long to embrace this lover, to find him and hold him close. For whoever he is, he sees me and through me. In the wind, I feel his embrace envelop my body, accepting the scars and the beauty of me. Alone, I begin to cry; an ache pierces my chest so suddenly and passionately that it sends me to my knees. For this lover, faceless and nameless, is hidden from me. And I fear I will truly never know his tender touch, nor return it with the fiery love I yearn to give. As the clouds darken and rain paints the world and gloomier shade, I feel the wind pick up. My hand lifts, and through the gaps tendrils of air wisp through, a weak promise and a reminder of the void that someone has yet to fill.

I lay down my walls and lay down at your feet, I wonder if this is love. I wonder if this love, that subdues me with awe yet ignites a passionate fire within me, is mutual. In this day and age, everything I’ve encountered comes with an expiration date.

If there as expiration date to this, I don’t want to know it. I want to embrace the wondrous, astounding person that is you and not let go. Each morning I have to remind myself that you aren’t mine to keep in the first place, but I can’t help but want you to stay. I can’t help but hope that you keep me in your arms.

I wonder if within my bones is a capability to touch upon this wonderful rare creature and not shatter a wing, or awaken a monster within the both of us.
I am shaking. I am uncertain, and frightened. I know not the road I take, nor do I know the path beyond just a few feet at a time.
When I say “Let me love you” the sentiment is partly selfish. Let me love you so that I recall how to love. Let me love you so that I can remember more than a cool detachment with humanity.
Strange, how I stumbled into this rabbit hole. Strange, how quickly I’ve immersed myself with this foreign emotion. Strange, how so many complex emotions can come with the words “I love you.”

And the strongest physical emotion I wish to express is just within a hug. Only to feel you and know the reality of you. Only to know that someone as amazing, and brilliant as you actually exists. I want to say “Don’t go.” but I know that is not my place.

Oh dearest. What a curious thing I’ve gotten into.

You’re careful. I wonder if it is more for your benefit than my own. It isn’t that I’m asking you to open your heart to me; I know I’ve lain myself out on the dissection table. And when I ask how you perceive me, you tell me of my potential. I wonder, if you love my potential or who I am now. I wonder if you love me, or if you’re falling in love with me. Since we’ve crossed paths I wonder more and more. There’s a fogginess in my head that refuses to be lifted. I wonder if I kiss you, will I know what our bond is? I wonder if you would kiss me? .
God, if I am doomed to see the men I have once loved and cared for marry off to someone else, then take me now to the early grave I feel I am destined for. Because a life without you, dearest, doesn’t compute in my head. And I say these things, and there’s a hesitance in your voice, a heavy thoughtfulness that makes me wonder. I don’t know if you love me. Your voice makes me tremble and my heart clenches. I do love you though, and as long as you allow me to love you, I am yours and here to stay.